(Photo: The Oscars)
Here is my imaginary Oscar speech.
Holy crap! Full disclosure. I almost shat my taffeta gown back there. I thought you were going to say Julia Roberts for a second. (Turns to Julia Roberts). I can’t imagine how pissed off you are right now.
(Turns back to audience). This is a thrilling end to what has been the roller coaster of a lifetime. Last year I was sitting home watching this show wearing loungewear, eating a plate of salami, and chugging a bottle of cabernet. Now I stand before you after weeks of a starvation date, a pair of Spanx, and liposuction appointments so grateful for this honor. When I got a call from David O. Russell and he asked me if I would play a background dancer at a nightclub in American Hustle I was shocked. I haven’t been in a nightclub since college. I hate club music and there is always a line to the bathroom. But I was so inspired by his vision. So thank you, my dear friend. I have to thank Bradley and Amy for being such generous actors. Without them I could have never seen the parallels between a desperate hooker on the dance floor and a young woman searching for her own identity underneath a disco ball.
There are so many people to thank. I want to thank my agent and my publicist who set up all those shots of me at the park with my kids and shopping for tampons at CVS. My husband who sat with me in the bathroom when I practiced various versions of this speech. My children who let someone else take care of them so I could attend any event I was invited to that had a red carpet. All the kids in One Direction who let me believe it was possible a 36-year-old woman could make her dreams come true. Justin Timberlake who offered me tips on getting your hair straight. Oh, don’t let me forget Nicole Kidman who reminded me it is possible to over do it on Botox.
Music starts playing.
(Hoisting the statute in my right arm over my head while the left side of my dress splits I start breaking into song). This one is for you, Whitney! I want one moment in time. When I’m more than I thought I could be. When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away. And the answers are all up to me. Give me one moment in time. When I’m racing with destiny. Then in that one moment of time. I will feel. I will feel eternity.
And then the curtain falls to the stage and I am quickly escorted off stage.
* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey