When two people spend practically every single day together for a long period of time they inevitably become attached to one another. Good or bad, they are companions, lovers, friends and sometimes fighters. I say this because as you spend enough time with someone you learn all the things about them that they may not have wanted you to know in the beginning. Sometimes, these things bring you closer to that person and can make you love them even more and sometimes they make you question what you saw in them in the first place. The question is; is it possible to love someone you don't even like?
Does one become so co-dependant on another that they tolerate things that otherwise would be intolerable? Is having a love that "doesn't fit" better than no love at all? I ask because, I find more and more relationships that seem so unhealthy and yet to the parties involved so addictive. From the outside looking in people wonder what the hell you're thinking staying in a relationship like the one you're in, yet all you can think of is not being without it. Is it love or co-dependency? Passion or destruction? If the quality of your life is in relation to the quality of your partners, your values and ideas often get pushed aside for fear of rejection. When someone's good feelings about themselves are based on the approval of someone else you loose touch with your own emotions. From one minute to the next you don't know what's important to you anymore. You forget that you have your own ideas about the type of relationship that you want.
For me, I look at myself like a puzzle. There are many pieces to that puzzle. Some fit and some don't. I know where some pieces go and others just float around until I know where I want to put them. When you get involved with someone who shifts all your pieces around, after awhile you don't know where you put anything or what goes where.
I have learned it's extremely important to remember that I have complete control over what I choose to believe, feel or interpret.
In the end, I want to find a relationship that builds me up not tears me down. I know that sounds like a given but I learned a lot from this past relationship. It was a series of build ups and tear downs. It often felt like a game of Jenga where we would build and build and get so high and then something would shift and the whole thing would come crashing down. Love is not something that is dependent on every piece of the puzzle being exactly right. Love is about respecting all the pieces whether they fit or not. Love should build you up and hold you up when it feels like everything else is falling down around you. It should be the one stable block at the bottom that provides the foundation for all the blocks of life to build on. For now, I am going to be my own block for which to build. Hopefully, when the time is right, I will find all the pieces to my puzzle.
Jamie Frontz- Model