I live in Orange County, so one could assume I would qualify for a spot as a cast member on the Real Housewives of Orange County. The show, as you probably know, follows the lives of bourgeois housewives and professional women seemingly juggling the demands of family and a social life. But the longer I live here and the more I watch the series it becomes apparent I would make a pretty crappy selection.
1. My intro line would not be very exciting.
- I may live near the beach, but that doesn't mean I can get a tan.
- How do I do it all? Yesterday I went to the bathroom while my son was strapped into a baby bjorn.
- I've been around crazy people my whole life, so why stop now?
2. My wardrobe is not sassy enough.
I don't wear pastels. I am too old to wear glitter. I avoid wearing spanx by sticking to black and things that do not expose my butt crack or cleavage. I am morally opposed to platform flip flops. I think track suits are a gateway to menopause.
3. I don't like to socialize with people who like to make believe.
I like to keep it real. I am not about to waste the little free time I have listening to nonsense about a non existent fortune made from selling pool tables or a growing satchel empire and I am not about to fawn over someone's home that is probably going into foreclosure.
4. I look my age.
Despite my best efforts I often forget to wear sunscreen. It just dawned on me today that if I wear concealer it might cover some of my fine lines. My only interaction with a needle in the last five years was an epidural.
5. I don't look like I actually live here.
I am pale, do not have hair extensions or a French manicure, and avoid wearing bathing suits when possible.
6. I would need to peddle something.
Clothing lines, drapes, wine, makeup, bags, and cuff bracelets have already been taken. What's left to sell? My own line of designer shoehorns or floor mats?
I also don't think my life is all that exiting. Who wants to follow me on my jaunts to the health food store? Want to tag along with me on my date with my husband? You know, the one that lasts an hour and a half. Long enough that I can get back home so I can use my breast pump? Want to see me get crazy? Check me out using my elliptical machine in the garage or ignoring my dad's calls while I watch another episode of Jersey Shore.
Sounds riveting, doesn't it?
Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey