Jessica Simpson finally gave birth this morning after what has seemed to be the longest pregnancy in history. Reportedly the baby weighed in at 10 pounds and has been unfortunately named Maxi Johnson. (Apparently the couple also mulled over Kotex, OB, and Depends).
We also know she has already signed a $3 million contract with Weight Watchers to be their spokesperson in a forthcoming campaign about her post-baby weight loss.
I wonder if she will regret this now that she has pushed out her watermelon and realizes that the extra weight left over is not actually made up of mostly amniotic fluid. Because chances are when you spend the better part of your gestational period snacking on cookie dough brownies, fried chicken wings, and butter smothered pop tarts that your body might get not miraculously fit back into skinny jeans. Sometimes not even being a multi-millionaire and having any professional in the world at your fingertips can help you easily fix being lazy. Because this is not someone who will be jumping back on the treadmill quickly. Do you think she will be snacking on edamame or kale chips for the foreseeable future? Now she will tell herself that because she is nursing she will need to drink cases of beer and snack on mozzarella sticks. (The calcium and marinara are good for the baby, you see).
And then we will await the big reveal as part of her contractual obligations with Weight Watchers. But because she will remain in a sedentary position in her Easychair Recliner and not the Stairmaster she will be dressed in a black cape and in dim lighting and will go on about her “amazing results.”
And in some parts of this country women will be inspired by this tomfoolery and sign up for the point system. They will head down to the nearest club meeting and get weighed in front of an audience. And the weight coach will be someone named Tammy Jo who wears stir-up pants, baby blue mascara, and lip liner. She will break them up into teams with names like “Weight Loss Mamas” and “Sunny Skinny Sisters” and encourage them to do low-fat casserole nights and speed walking trips to the local strip malls. But inevitably they will start to wonder why they still feel like a balloon that has been deflated months after their baby left their lady cave.
And Jessica Simpson will cash that $3 million check while the weight loss companies goes in search of the next pregnant celebrity.
Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey