She bugs. That’s the best way to explain it simply. Gwyneth Paltrow believes she is better than you. She’s able to maintain a marriage, be an exceptional mother, businesswoman, and friend while enjoying a fancy life, a perfect body and looks. It’s not her fault you can not keep up.
1. She eats better than you.
To be released April 2, “It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy, Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great” is a collection of 185 “restorative” dishes that also come with a slew of food restrictions: recipes are sugar-free, non-dairy, vegetarian, wheat-free and non-alcoholic. So a real comfort food kind of cookbook. Great for miserable cookouts and you-will-never-have-anyone-come-back-to-your-house dinner parties.
“My indulging is a fresh baguette with cheese and a glass of red wine or french fries and fried zucchini. Or a turkey burger.’
Routinely does diet detoxes consisting of seven-day juice diets. Perfect if you want an energy boost and constant diarrhea.
“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
So don’t send her a canister of kettle corn.
2. She is a better parent.
“I am by nature a very creative person, and I really can only do one movie a year because my kids are so small, and if I miss even two days of their lives, they’re gone.”
Translation: For me it is a sacrifice to get paid $15 million to star in a studio picture that will require me spending 12 days on a movie set in a luxury location where day care and luxury accommodations will be made available.
Speaking to InStyle magazine, the mother-of-two said Apple was ‘cross’ as ‘I only let them watch TV in French or Spanish’. She added: ‘When I’m in France, I go to [Boulevard] Beaumarchais and buy all their cartoons.’
That is unlike you, loser, who lets your kids watch Sesame Street or Wizards of Waverly Place. She doesn’t buy plastic toys that require batteries.
They read literature. They do children’s yoga. They help the poor.
Your kids eat paste.
3. She has better friends.
Look, I am sure your Bunco group is a hoot and those friends you met at the park are great. But Goop runs with ballers. Ever heard of Jerry Seinfeld? Steven Spielberg is her godfather. Cameron Diaz considers her a life coach of sorts. Kate Hudson clings to her when she’s in London. Beyonce and Jay-Z are among her best friends. She won’t hang out with a reality star or someone who is still considered a struggling actor or God forbid did not attend school in Greenwich or a boarding school in the Swiss Alps. Lunch with Anna Wintour? Oh, yes, of course. Would she ever be caught dead engaging in conversation with you at Starbucks? Jesus, no. Don’t be crazy.
4. She lives better than you. You get that, peasant people?
“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”
It is because of this she saw an opportunity to charge people a fee to access the kind of information only available to someone who lives a very blessed life. You need her to explain to you what you are missing out as you sit in your house and pay your bills, feed your kids pizza pockets, and sport Banana Republic chinos you bought on the sale rack. Her life is aspirational, you see. Goop is a lifestyle newsletter and website.
“I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I’ve gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: “I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?” or “How do I make your (recipes)?” So she can explain to you the point of detoxing, how to hire a chauffeur when traveling to Cannes, and charge you upwards of $515 for a Goop labeled sweater.
“A little trip away in the summer is exciting and rejuvenating, especially if you can’t take all of August off like the Italians/French do.”
Because you do that, don’t you? Just cancel all your appointments and take the month of August off so you can tour four-star hotels throughout Europe. I am sure boss would totally get it.
5. She never embarrasses herself.
“I think they’re the idiot people and I’m the normal person. But I don’t really go to parties where … I don’t really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.”So don’t get any ideas bringing your bottle of vodka over to her mansion. You have one drink and it will have plenty of ice and would never have a sugared rim or an umbrella.
She will do karaoke, but only sing hits that compliment her vocal range.
She will gladly laugh at you but never at herself.
She’s annoying. You get it. I get it. She will never get it.
Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey