Some of you might be wondering who I am. My name is Kate. You might be asking yourself why Angie would ask me, a complete stranger to give the matron of honor speech at her wedding. It's a fair question. I am here because she was low on girlfriends. Mindy from Facts of Life had a barbecue this weekend. If we want to be completely honest, she's can't stand Clooney's fiancee. So she asked me because all I had going on was a birthday party at a trampoline park and I will go anywhere that is serving champagne.
First thing right out of the gate. You guys look great. I would have figured you would wear a pleather cat suit and carry a whip, but this white dress and bouquet of flowers is lovely. Brad's skin looks excellent. My compliments to your facialist. But let's be honest. Most of us figured you guys were probably already married. You've been engaged since 1962. You've got 78 kids. Why not ride this thing out as far as you can go without having to file joint taxes? We all can agree that you two were destined to be together. The minute we all learned you were making sweet love on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith we knew this little affair would go the distance. Before Brangelina you were two actors struggling to make sense of the world. Now Angie is saving the world.
Change is Coming
Just understand this. I ask you to take it from this married lady. The hot period has just ended. Now that you are hitched expect your life to include sweatpants. Don't be surprised to find acne medication on the counter. Try not to act horrified when you find feminine hygiene supplies in the upstairs bathroom. Your new husband will at some point need a plunger for the toilet. My advice is to take a date night every week to remind yourselves of what life was like before you were financially responsible for each other. When you get frustrated remember the reason you were brought together in the first place (besides the fact it would get you more publicity and make you millions of extra dollars). Think about your kids, Maddox, Shiloh, Pax, Macaroni, T-town, Slippity Bop, Vivienne, Knox, Zahara, Bernard, Snake, and Jerry and how happy they are today to see you as one. Most importantly think about how you fooled the Editors of People Magazine by deciding to get hitched the weekend of the Emmys Awards. Well played, my friends.
Thank you for letting me be part of this special day, even if I didn't have enough time to find something fancy to wear. I was packing quickly and didn't realize all I had was a blouse and some Nike running shorts. Let's raise our glasses and toast the newlyweds. In the words of the Black Eyed Peas "I've Got a Feeling." I've got a feeling these two kids will make it.
- Kate Casey
* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey