US Weekly reports Gwyneth Paltrow wants to get to know ex-husband Chris Martin’s new girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence. “She’d like to spend a little time with her and thinks they’d probably get along,” the insider tells Us of Paltrow.
I’d love to see that show go down. Where do they meet? In the middle of a meadow? At the Goop headquarters just incase Lawrence might want to pick up some literature on green juicing?
This is how I imagine that meeting would go down.
LOCATION: Paltrow’s house.
Lawrence walks up to the front door. She turns around and waves to Martin who drives away with his thumb raised. Paltrow answers the door in all white and with a sea of candles lit behind her. “It’s nice to meet you,” she says and motions for her guest to move from the entry into the living room. Two tall glasses of water await them. They take seats in front of the fireplace on two ottomans facing each other.
Paltrow: “Here, enjoy some alkaline water.”
Lawrence: “Actually, do you have any diet coke?” (Paltrow digs her nails into her upper legs).
Paltrow: “Oh, I’m so sorry. We don’t keep soda in our home. Chris and I believe that when you drink them you ingest aspartame, which works like neurotransmitters, or molecules that signal neurons in your brain that control the rest of your body. We prefer water from the Swiss Alps, which supercharges your immune system and fights the aging process with antioxidants.”
Lawrence: “In that case I’ll take a beer.” (Paltrow looks confused and then panicked).
Paltrow: “You know what? I’m fun. This is fun. Let’s have some margaritas made with agave nectar!”
Paltrow: “I understand you are an actress. You must have seen some of my films?”
Lawrence: “Yes, I loved your work in Shallow Hal.” (Paltrow moves to a window so she can get some fresh air).
Paltrow: “Acting is only one part of me. I am also a visionary. I believe in cultivating life’s positives. I aim to inform and inspire people to make, go, see, do, and be present. I also like board games and the Tracy Anderson Method. And you? What can you tell me about you, Jessica?”
Lawrence: “I like story telling. I enjoy the creative process. I have been acting since I was a kid, which is the reason I have such an incredible appreciation for music and great television. For example, have you seen Real Housewives or Dance Moms?”
Paltrow: “Oh, no. I don’t. I have two very joyful children that require my attention. I am too busy as a mother and an entrepreneur. The only reason we have a television is so they can watch French documentaries and Spanish cooking shows.”
Lawrence: “You mean to tell me you have never seen the treasure that is Real Housewives of Miami?”
Paltrow: “Do you enjoy music?”
Lawrence: “I do. I like classics like Salt n Pepa. Of course Coldplay. I played the oboe as a kid.”
Paltrow: “Terrific. Did you see me in Glee? My song Cruisin with the esteemed Huey Lewis went to number one in Australia.”
Lawrence: “No, I didn’t. But it sounds like it was a wonderful opportunity for you.”
And then they would sit in silence for awhile until Martin honked the horn outside.
Paltrow: “This is was nice.”
Lawrence: “It was.”
Paltrow: “Would you like a copy of my latest cookbook?”
Lawrence: “No, thanks. I don’t cook. I eat takeout and copious bags of Doritos.”
Paltrow: “And yet you look so young and fresh.” (Grinds her teeth in the process).
Lawrence: “It has been insightful speaking to you. You have a very (pauses) bright home”
And then Paltrow waves to Martin as Lawrence slides into the front seat of his car and they drive out of the front gate.