We the People of the United States of America need for you to reclaim ownership of your son Justin Bieber, son of Pattie and Jeremy Jack of London, Ontario. Bieber of Tiger Beat hysteria and gold chain adornment. Your crown prince. Winner of back-to-back Juno Awards and MuchMusic Video Awards. Usher's protégé. We are very proud of the relationship based on our close bilateral ties, but we've done what we can to support you by allowing him to sing and dance his way throughout our nation. Recent events including video footage of him defacing a photo of our former President, emotionally torturing Selena Gomez, and stripping down to his boxers before a booing audience at this week's Fashion Rocks concert have proved he needs to wrap up his American Tour. We believe the time has come for him to pull up his jean shorts, pack up his Louis Vuitton luggage, and go back to his homeland.
Please understand we love your people. Ryan Gosling is a dream. That Rachel McAdams is a national treasure. Need we remind you how much we adore Wayne Gretzsky? But Justin Bieber urinates in buckets in nightclub kitchens. He threatened to kill his Calabasas, California neighbor who complained he was driving a new Ferrari at 100 MPH around his three kids in a gated community. He spits on waitresses and eggs people's homes. His idea of a house pet is a capuchin monkey. Can we agree only a-holes have monkeys? He's been arrested for driving under the influence and drives around with an expired driver's license. But then again what more can you expect from someone whose best pals are two guys named Lil Za and Lil Twist? Maybe it's steroid rage? He did suddenly transform his lady body into a baby oiled Jersey Shore chest. Perhaps his parents should have set some boundaries. Maybe it was a bad idea letting him have so much access to the bank account?
Point is that we need you to take him back to the Great White North.
The United States of America
* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey