Amore Magazine

Dear Denise- November 2010 (Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert)

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’m hoping you can help me with my problem.  I’m a nice looking girl who is able to take care of myself and I have a decent job.  A lot of my friends have gotten married in the past couple of years but I have trouble keeping anyone around more than a couple of dates.  In fact, a couple of friends joke and call me “two date Tracy” because that’s about as long as most guys stick around.  What can I do about this?  Should I change myself?  Give up?  Hope things will change eventually?  I really want to a boyfriend.

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

First, please don’t focus on the nickname because it only reinforces a non-positive situation.  Regardless of the reason for the short dating spans, I applaud you for continuing to meet people and to being open to change.  I have a couple of different suggestions for you and I hope you find at least one to be useful.
 
As for you making changes, I suggest you start with the basics—are your hairstyle and clothing flattering and current?  Are you able to “be yourself” when meeting people or are you overly nervous, talkative, too quiet?  How do the conversations flow on dates- are you asking at least half of the questions and showing an interest in what the other person says?  Do you have interesting ideas or thoughts to share?  Are you excited to meet people or just showing up and hoping for the best?  How you present yourself is crucial and the first minute of meeting someone makes a lasting impression—make sure you are making a good one!

My next suggestion is to find a male friend and ask him to go on a “practice” date with you.  You need to find the right person to do this because he needs to be able to play the part of a date but also provide usable feedback to you.  It could be eye-opening to learn that you have an unknown habit that is turning others off or that you are coming across much differently than you plan.  The first date or two are typically screening dates where both of you should be deciding whether or not you feel comfortable together and see any possible future for dating. 

Last, you may want to consider the type of men you are dating.  You may unconsciously be choosing men who are more interested in dating lots of women versus meeting someone special.  There are a number of men and women who enjoy “the chase” and excitement of dating but have little interest or skill in pursuing someone past that initial thrill point.  You may need to pursue men from a different dating pool and can find them by: following a passion or hobby and join a group of like-minded people, changing your routine and go to different places for coffee or groceries, or getting together with some of your friends and suggest they bring someone new (and single!) to the gathering.  Meeting the right person will happen—make sure you are always open to opportunity because it often happens when you least expect it!

Best of luck to you!

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- August 2010 (Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert)

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My boyfriend will not plan for anything and it is bugging me.  We have been together for a couple of months, and at first I thought his spontaneity was fun!  But now I realize that he just does things at the last minute or when they absolutely have to be done. For example, we were out the other night and he ran out of gas in his car.  It was ridiculous because he has money, but it ruined the evening because we had to spend time getting gas instead of having fun. 

When we are going out for the evening, and I ask what we are doing, he always says “it will be a surprise” which is true since he doesn’t have a clue what we will do!  He won’t make plans in the future (like next month) for a concert or getting together with friends and instead he will say he “hopes” to make it and then usually forgets.

What can I do to get him to act like a normal 25 yr. old?  He has a decent job and is able to do it, but it’s like he doesn’t care about other things. 

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You’ve probably already heard this before, but you really can’t change people—only they can change themselves.  Unfortunately, it appears that your boyfriend has no interest in planning ahead and will likely not change unless there is some compelling reason to do so.  Also, since he is employed and, it appears, able to support himself, he probably sees himself as successful and that may be all he needs. 

Good relationships involve compromise, but not at the expense of your sanity.  It is possible that you can “help” him get a little better by reminding him to do some basic things such as filling the car with gas, but do you really want a relationship where you are more his mother than his lover? 

If you cannot see yourself being happy in this type of arrangement for the long term, then you may want to end things now.  It is important to be comfortable with the person you date because that carries into all areas of your life.  Being continually annoyed with your boyfriend is a bad sign and only you can change that. 

Best of luck to you!

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- June/July 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My girlfriend and I are having a problem over the way I spend my money.  Just to be clear, we do not live together and have only been dating for a couple of months.  “Julie” keeps getting on to me about why I am “wasting my money” on video games or movies or upgrading my electronics.  It’s not like I don’t treat her nicely and I do take her out, but I work hard and want to enjoy myself. 

I’ve told her several times that I don’t think it is her business and that I don’t tell her not to buy a million pair of shoes and clothing.  The money she spends on her hair is crazy, but I don’t say anything because it is her business.  Any ideas?  I like Julie but I also don’t want to date my mother!

Arnie

Dear Arnie,

Money- and its use- are frequent sources of problems for relationships.  This is especially true when two people have different values regarding money and how to spend it.  However, from what you describe it seems that money is not really the primary issue.  Instead the real problem is that Julie wants to tell you how to run your life—as you point out, it feels like you are dating your mother!  

After a couple of months of dating, I don’t believe either of you should be imposing your spending habits on one another unless the other person is asking for that advice.  It is important to have similar attitudes toward spending, but also to be able to live within your means. 

If you also see this as a sign of a deeper problem, you may need to decide whether or not to continue with the relationship.   This should be the “fun” phase of dating and if it is stressful or difficult, you may not have a lot to look forward to.  The other option is to continue dating and talk with her about how uncomfortable her comments make you feel.  If she can cut back or stop imposing her values on you, then there is a starting point to go forward.  But again, I think this issue is less about money and more about control, so it will not be solved overnight.

Best of luck to you!

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- May 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’ve got a complicated situation and hope you can help me!  “Phil” and I have been seeing each other for 8 months and have broken up then gotten back together three times.  It’s always for the same reasons because he says he is going to change, then does for about a week or so, then goes back to his same old ways. 

It is frustrating because he says he loves me and I love him too, but I just don’t see a future together if he can’t change.  Some of my friends have told me to give him an ultimatum but I feel like his parent, not his girlfriend if I act like that.   I suggested that he might want to go to counseling and he said that is a waste of time.  I even offered to go with him, but no luck.  Now what?

Mindy

Dear Denise- April 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’ve been dating “Paul” for 2 months and we are having a lot of fun and get along great.  Last week, one of my friends informed me that she saw his picture on a dating site, so I checked and sure enough, he was.  He hasn’t been “active” in a couple of weeks but I’m still really troubled that we seem to be progressing as a couple, yet he is listed on a dating site!  My friend advises me to just watch and see if he gets on there (this site shows you how long since someone has been active).  I’m struggling with that and think it might be better to confront him and find out what is his deal.

Suggestions?

Sara

Dear Denise- February 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

Hi there.  I’m curious about your advice on my relationship with Brian.  We get along fine and have a lot of mutual friends.  We’ve been dating for almost a year and some people are asking us what’s next-- like are we moving-in together.  I don’t know how to answer this and really am not sure what is next.  I’ve just been enjoying it but now wonder if I should be thinking about things more than I have been.
 
Mary

Dear Denise- January 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’m not sure how to handle this situation and hope you can help.  My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for 5 months and things are good.  For Christmas we spent the day with our families because that worked the best with our schedules.  When we talked on the phone that night, “Charlie” mentions talking to a former girlfriend earlier that day! 

I was so shocked and mad that I didn’t say anything, but it really bugs me that he would call her on a holiday and probably didn’t even mention that he has a girlfriend!  I’m starting to wonder if he wants to dump me and get back together with her.  I haven’t mentioned this to him because I am still mad and am worried I will say something I will regret.  Any advice?

Darla

Dear Denise- December 2009

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

So I have this great boyfriend and everyone tells me how lucky I am to be with him.  We have a lot of fun and almost everything is good, except that he is always checking in on me.  We see each other most days, but definitely talk each night and he always wants to know what I did all day—every bit of it and every detail.  If I go out with a friend he doesn’t know, then he asks a million questions and says he wants to meet them.  I know he is a bit protective but I’m starting to feel like this is not normal.  Should I be concerned?
 
Natalie

Dear Natalie,

The first question you need to answer is “are you are ok reporting your daily activities to your boyfriend?”  If you are both alright with this type of relationship, then no one else should judge.  However, it sounds like you are a bit uncomfortable.  There could be several options for why he acts like this, but my initial feeling is that your boyfriend has trust issues—not just with you but with any woman he would date. 

I highly suggest you talk with him and casually ask why he is so interested in your whereabouts.  If you can understand his concern or reasons, then you can decide whether or not you are able to tolerate his questioning for the duration of your relationship.  It is possible he had a former girlfriend who cheated on him or that he grew up in a household where everyone reported their daily activities.  It’s really hard to know unless you ask him.  It is also possible that he is completely unaware of his questioning and its affect on you.

Whatever his reason(s) you need to think about whether or not this will work for you.   One of the fundamental pieces of any relationship is trust and if both of you are unable or unwilling to trust the other, then there really is no future.  However, I hope you are both able to work past this and find a happy and healthy balance that works.   Best of luck.

Denise Shannon