Amore Magazine

Dear Denise- June/July 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My girlfriend and I are having a problem over the way I spend my money.  Just to be clear, we do not live together and have only been dating for a couple of months.  “Julie” keeps getting on to me about why I am “wasting my money” on video games or movies or upgrading my electronics.  It’s not like I don’t treat her nicely and I do take her out, but I work hard and want to enjoy myself. 

I’ve told her several times that I don’t think it is her business and that I don’t tell her not to buy a million pair of shoes and clothing.  The money she spends on her hair is crazy, but I don’t say anything because it is her business.  Any ideas?  I like Julie but I also don’t want to date my mother!

Arnie

Dear Arnie,

Money- and its use- are frequent sources of problems for relationships.  This is especially true when two people have different values regarding money and how to spend it.  However, from what you describe it seems that money is not really the primary issue.  Instead the real problem is that Julie wants to tell you how to run your life—as you point out, it feels like you are dating your mother!  

After a couple of months of dating, I don’t believe either of you should be imposing your spending habits on one another unless the other person is asking for that advice.  It is important to have similar attitudes toward spending, but also to be able to live within your means. 

If you also see this as a sign of a deeper problem, you may need to decide whether or not to continue with the relationship.   This should be the “fun” phase of dating and if it is stressful or difficult, you may not have a lot to look forward to.  The other option is to continue dating and talk with her about how uncomfortable her comments make you feel.  If she can cut back or stop imposing her values on you, then there is a starting point to go forward.  But again, I think this issue is less about money and more about control, so it will not be solved overnight.

Best of luck to you!

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- May 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’ve got a complicated situation and hope you can help me!  “Phil” and I have been seeing each other for 8 months and have broken up then gotten back together three times.  It’s always for the same reasons because he says he is going to change, then does for about a week or so, then goes back to his same old ways. 

It is frustrating because he says he loves me and I love him too, but I just don’t see a future together if he can’t change.  Some of my friends have told me to give him an ultimatum but I feel like his parent, not his girlfriend if I act like that.   I suggested that he might want to go to counseling and he said that is a waste of time.  I even offered to go with him, but no luck.  Now what?

Mindy

Dear Denise- April 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’ve been dating “Paul” for 2 months and we are having a lot of fun and get along great.  Last week, one of my friends informed me that she saw his picture on a dating site, so I checked and sure enough, he was.  He hasn’t been “active” in a couple of weeks but I’m still really troubled that we seem to be progressing as a couple, yet he is listed on a dating site!  My friend advises me to just watch and see if he gets on there (this site shows you how long since someone has been active).  I’m struggling with that and think it might be better to confront him and find out what is his deal.

Suggestions?

Sara

Dear Denise- February 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

Hi there.  I’m curious about your advice on my relationship with Brian.  We get along fine and have a lot of mutual friends.  We’ve been dating for almost a year and some people are asking us what’s next-- like are we moving-in together.  I don’t know how to answer this and really am not sure what is next.  I’ve just been enjoying it but now wonder if I should be thinking about things more than I have been.
 
Mary

Dear Denise- January 2010

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’m not sure how to handle this situation and hope you can help.  My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for 5 months and things are good.  For Christmas we spent the day with our families because that worked the best with our schedules.  When we talked on the phone that night, “Charlie” mentions talking to a former girlfriend earlier that day! 

I was so shocked and mad that I didn’t say anything, but it really bugs me that he would call her on a holiday and probably didn’t even mention that he has a girlfriend!  I’m starting to wonder if he wants to dump me and get back together with her.  I haven’t mentioned this to him because I am still mad and am worried I will say something I will regret.  Any advice?

Darla

Dear Denise- December 2009

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

So I have this great boyfriend and everyone tells me how lucky I am to be with him.  We have a lot of fun and almost everything is good, except that he is always checking in on me.  We see each other most days, but definitely talk each night and he always wants to know what I did all day—every bit of it and every detail.  If I go out with a friend he doesn’t know, then he asks a million questions and says he wants to meet them.  I know he is a bit protective but I’m starting to feel like this is not normal.  Should I be concerned?
 
Natalie

Dear Natalie,

The first question you need to answer is “are you are ok reporting your daily activities to your boyfriend?”  If you are both alright with this type of relationship, then no one else should judge.  However, it sounds like you are a bit uncomfortable.  There could be several options for why he acts like this, but my initial feeling is that your boyfriend has trust issues—not just with you but with any woman he would date. 

I highly suggest you talk with him and casually ask why he is so interested in your whereabouts.  If you can understand his concern or reasons, then you can decide whether or not you are able to tolerate his questioning for the duration of your relationship.  It is possible he had a former girlfriend who cheated on him or that he grew up in a household where everyone reported their daily activities.  It’s really hard to know unless you ask him.  It is also possible that he is completely unaware of his questioning and its affect on you.

Whatever his reason(s) you need to think about whether or not this will work for you.   One of the fundamental pieces of any relationship is trust and if both of you are unable or unwilling to trust the other, then there really is no future.  However, I hope you are both able to work past this and find a happy and healthy balance that works.   Best of luck.

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- November 2009

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’ve been having a hard time with one of my best friends.  She has a great boyfriend and they have been together for over a year.  Anyhow, she has been seeing a guy at work off and on for a couple of weeks and it really bugs me.  Everyone knows about this except Mike, her boyfriend and it makes me really uncomfortable when we are all out together.  I told her that she is messing with a really good thing, but she told me she just needs to see what else is out there before getting any more serious with Mike.  Should I tell Mike or just keep out of it?

Justine

Dear Justine,

It is hard to watch good friends make mistakes—or what appears to be a mistake.  However, you have already spoken to your friend and she has told you her reason for her behavior.  You should not intervene and tell Mike because you have nothing to gain but will instead risk losing a friendship.  If “everyone” knows, Mike is going to hear about it from someone else sooner or later.  It also appears to me that the other relationship may be more of a flirtation at this point.  There is always a thrill when you meet someone new and over time, that usually fades.  Perhaps your friend is just enjoying some extra (and needed) attention? 

I have seen this happen most often when one person in a relationship wants to move things more quickly than the other.  The “less enthusiastic” person may look for other options to distract themselves.  This is not a good idea, but many people seem to be wired like this. 

Since this makes you uncomfortable, you may want to limit the time you spend with Mike and the group right now.  Remember, we are all responsible for our own actions and at some point, your friend is going to need to make a decision about staying with Mike or moving on.  She needs to work this out on her own terms so that she is clear about what she wants.  Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is be there when you are really needed and that time may come very soon.

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- October 2009

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My girlfriend is fun, great-looking, smart and friendly.  Our relationship is great and I’m really starting to see us together for awhile.  The problem is Facebook.  She posts almost everything about us on her statuses and is basically telling the world about everything we do!  Sometimes mutual friends will make comments to me about the things she writes and I’m a more private person, so this is extremely odd and uncomfortable.  And before you say it, I did talk to her about it and things were better for a week or so, but then it started again.  So now what?

Dillon

Dear Dillon,

You are not the first person I’ve encountered who has issues with “significant others” and their Facebook postings.  In most cases, the person making the postings does not intend to divulge information about others or cause embarrassment.  Instead, they feel they are sharing what is going on in their lives with others who may be interested.  Do her friends also make similar postings?  If it is the “norm” then she is more likely to continue unless she understands its impact on your life. 

One of my friends jokingly calls Facebook, “two-faced book” because there are some people who are using it to mess with others and tear down relationships instead of connecting with friends.  I agree that I would not like my personal life aired to an audience without my consent but the bottom line is you cannot control her postings. 

If she respects you, she will need to be vaguer in her comments, stop them altogether or not mention you.  Some people would advise that you post something personal about her in your status and see what she thinks.  I’m not as much a fan of this because although you would prove your point, you are not being true to yourself and it might backfire.  She might not think it is an issue and then you are back in the same spot you are now. 

You have a couple of options available.  You can continue to talk with her about not including you in her updates and perhaps over time it will improve.  Another idea is to stop reading her status updates and avoid Facebook when possible.  Or it may be that you need to issue an ultimatum to her — stop mentioning you and your relationship or you will end things.  Just don’t be surprised if your “threat” turns up in her next status.  However, if things go to this extreme, I would “unfriend” her so that even if you are the target of her messages for awhile, you won’t have to see them. 

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- September 2009

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

OMG. My boyfriend and I are having trouble and I need someone else to help.  So I was out with my friend Kristi and we met a nice guy and hung out with him most of the evening.  He bought both of us drinks and was very nice and we gave each other our contact info.  No big deal.  Now my boyfriend is mad at me because he says I was cheating on him and that I must not care about our relationship!  It was totally innocent and I’m not sure what to do.  Can’t I have male friends and still be involved with someone?

Donna

Dear Donna,

My first question is “where was your boyfriend that night?”  Do you both go out with friends regularly or was this unusual?  There are two important things to look at in this situation—why is he reacting like this and second, what is the norm for your relationship?  I don’t know how long you have been together and whether or not you both consider the relationship to be exclusive.

However, you need to decide if you are happy with your current dating situation.  Assuming you are, talk to your boyfriend about your relationship and make sure you are both on the same page.  Are you exclusive or not?  What does that mean to each of you?  Is harmless flirting or meeting others ok?  Once you are both clear about expectations, then there should be fewer misunderstandings. 

Yes, you should be able to have male friends and continue to make new friends, but realize this means your boyfriend can also have female friends and make new ones.  Sometimes when you look at it from the other person’s perspective, you will see things differently. 

Hopefully these ideas will help you.  Just remember that one of the most important pieces to any relationship is trust.  You cannot spend every moment with someone and both of you need to know that you can rely on each other to do the “right thing” even when tempted. 

Denise Shannon

Dear Denise- August 2009

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’m not sure what to do about my current boyfriend.  First, he is wonderful and I really, really like him.  He’s different than most of the guys I’ve dated and things are going good.  The weird thing is that he keeps mentioning that he had this skanky girlfriend last year who slept around a lot.  He says he is wondering if she gave him something but that he has never had any sores or problems to make him think that he does.  I haven’t had this problem before and am not sure if it is safe to have sex with him or not.  We have taken things really slow, so I’m not in a rush because I feel like he will be around for a long, long time.  Do you think I need to be worried?

Darleen

Dear Darleen,

YES, I do think you should be worried, scared and grateful you haven’t slept with this guy.  The first thing you BOTH should do is get tested for STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) at a clinic or through your doctors—whatever is most comfortable and convenient for you.  This will give both of you some answers about this situation before you move the relationship forward.

If, for any reason, your boyfriend refuses to have a test, then I would dump him.  No matter how great he is, if he is going to give you a “lifelong disease” then you need to make an informed decision about it.  Be grateful that he has given you a warning instead of keeping this to himself.  He obviously respects you enough to share his concerns, so I highly expect that he will go through with the testing. 

You may wonder why I suggest you get tested too. The answer is simple: why not?  It shows that you care about him and have nothing to hide.  Also, if you both have “clean” tests and he does have an STD later he will likely not blame you, although some diseases do not show on screening tests immediately.

I know this is tough, but part of being sexually responsible is taking care of yourself and those you “play” with, so do the right thing.  Once you both have the results, you can decide how to proceed.  Good luck.

Denise Shannon