Dear Producers of ABC’s The Bachelorette,
It has come to my understanding via New York Post that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon will soon be announcing their split. Have you decided what direction you plan on taking the next season of The Bachelorette? I am not saying the show needs a shakeup. I am just saying the show needs a shake up. Why don’t you make Mariah the next Bachelorette?
Here is the upside:
- Immediate surge in ratings.
- Mariah wears lingerie 24/7.
- She already enjoys taking pictures of herself in hot tubs.
- You wouldn’t have to pay a recording artist to sing during a fantasy date; she can do it herself.
- Credibility when Chris Harrison insists tonight will include “the most” dramatic red rose ceremony ever.
All that you would need to do is anticipate the following:
- She will need a staff to help her walk from room to room.
- She wears lingerie 24/7.
- Extra money in the production budget for cases of champagne.
- She only likes to be photographed on one side of her face.
- She will need an assistant to follow her with a fan.
- Her kids will need a nanny.
- She will fire that nanny after a week.
- Never mention Jennifer Lopez.
- The wardrobe team must cut out all the labels in the gowns and replace them with size 0 or 2.
- She is obsessed with butterflies. Make sure everyone refers to her as a “beautiful butterfly” or a “butterfly Princess.”
- She will only sit in rooms that are filled with white furniture and candles.
- She does not wear flat shoes.
- She loves Christmas. Just tell her it is December. Tell her she is a magical Christmas Princess.
- She prefers to be carried up and down stairs.
- The only form of exercise she will agree to is water aerobics and arm circles.
- Tell her she looks like she lost weight every three hours.
- She prefers to wear pink.
- Inform wardrobe staff she likes to dress like she is a senior in high school.
- She will not remember anyone’s name.
- The winner will need to propose wearing a Prince Charming costume at Disneyland.
I say you do it!
- Kate Casey
* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey