I wonder after 30 years of being me, single, bossy, high maintenance, and independent me. When will I be at a point in my life where a man can possibly make me happy? Will I always have this unwavering need to be on my own? I date, I fall in lust and like and sometimes love but never truly give 100% of myself for fear of losing the part of me that makes me, me.
I am and always have been a woman who knows what I want. You could have asked me when I was 3 what I wanted to be when I grew up and you would get the same answer today, now that I’m 30. I adore my life. I feel truly blessed to have the life I do. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I travel the world mostly on someone else dime, I shop at all the best places, I dine on the finest foods, I drive the best cars money can buy, I live in beautiful homes, I have amazing animals that share in my lifestyle, I’m beautiful, young, intelligent, successful, vivacious and fun. What more could a 30 something girl want? Well, frankly, more. I meet great guys all the time but I have absolutely no resolute desire to settle down. I still feel like I have so much life left to live, on my own. There are still so many places yet to be explored and traveled. Money to be made. Things to acquire on my own.
Am I alone? Does this make me a terrible person? Selfish? I guess, by most people’s standards, the answer is undeniably yes. But, I am not most people. I am not most women. I know that God intended different things for me. My life plan isn’t mapped out like most people’s life plans. I believe my life plan is to be made up as I go along. I crave adventure and excitement. I want to see every place on earth, explored or not. I want to conquer. I want challenges. I want to test myself to my limits and come out on top. I want love, true undying, can’t live without you kind of love. I want to be the prettiest, the sexiest, the smartest. Where does this come from? At what point in someone’s life (okay my life because clearly I’m not the norm) does this need, let up? When does it get easier to say your content and mean it? Are some people just destined to be single forever? I have always thought that some day I would be a mother. In my 30 years of life I have always been more drawn to kids of the four legged variety vs the two legged. I live and breath for my animals and every time I see one my heart goes out to them and I want to protect them, love them and take care of them. As terrible as this may sound, I don’t feel that way for children. I rarely have that motherly thing kick in when it comes to kids. There are exceptions of course. I occasionally see a child that just seems to resonate with me and I get that same feeling I do when I see any animal. But it’s rare. Yet, with any animal I feel this automatically. Does any other woman feel this? People are always saying to me, “Oh you will make such a great mother.” I20wonder if the nurturing mother thing just kicks in at some point? Does it kick in, if/when they are mine? Or are some of us destined to be with animals and not have kids?
I feel more myself when I am out with my dogs or my horses in nature than I do anywhere else in the world or when I’m traveling and I see something for the first time. Being in Africa and seeing the majestic nature of that whole place is something that changed something in me forever. I never felt more close to God or more in tune with myself ever in my whole life. There’s something I get from animals that nothing else on earth provides for me. It’s this sense of purpose and clarity. They get me and I get them. People either love me or hate me, there is rarely an in between. With animals it’s all or nothing but either way it’s so complete and engaging like nothing else in the world I know. With animals you don’t have to put on airs of being something your not. It’s pure. Different. I crave it and need it. When I travel, I can’t describe how much I miss my animals. I so miss the way my dogs smell in the morning when they wake up. The sweet little puppy smell, the warm freshly popped popcorn smell coming from the pads of their tiny feet, and the softness of their furry lil’ pot bellies that seem so full and content. I love the way they look at me so happy and content. They seem to know how much I need them and how much they need me. It’s this partnership that needs no words or contracts just a meeting of the eyes, heart and souls. My horses, and their warm bodies and muscular necks. The way they nibble my shoulder and press their warm noses against my hand. I love the way they smell too. The way they smell of hay, dirt and manure. I can’t explain my fascination with them I can only describe some of the many reasons I love them. I love that they miss me, and search for me when I’m not there. I love the way they turn their heads to watch me walk out of a room and eagerly wait for me to come back. I love that when I ride them, we move together and they seem to know exactly where I want to go. I love that when I leave them I smell them on me for hours. That smell of hay and dirt and manure. I love the way their big eyes look at me and trust me. They seem to know how much I love them. I love that they only have that look for me. They don’t look at anyone like that but me. We know each other. They know me like no one other than my dogs know me. My animals get my idiosyncrasies and how much of a free spirit I am. How I need so much to run free, just the way they do. I know too, that I probably sound rather crazy going on the way I am. But this is what I’m thinking about today. I’m on my way to Tampa, Fl for the Super bowl and this is what’s on my mind. Sitting in first class with my hot pink laptop writing my column, with a decent champagne buzz going and the only thing I miss at this very moment are my animals. Everything else in my life seems, replaceable.
I have a family that seems to always be upset with me or disappointed for some undefinable crime. My guess, is that I’m not content being that little girl from Show Low anymore. I want to see the world and achieve things and apparently that’s not what they wanted for me. I was meant to marry and have babies by now. I have friends that betray me or are MIA when any “crisis” comes up or I need them. I have work that is sporadic at best, with the economy being what it is, I have investments and bank accounts going further south every day, with no end in sight. I see everything I have worked so hard for just going down the drain. The one constant in my life, the one thing that brings more joy to my life than anything else in the world are my animals. I realize this is the 2nd column in a month that has been about my love of animals. So for those of you who:
A. Don’t know me
B. Don’t care
C. Don’t want to hear anymore about my animals
I am sorry. I just can’t get my mind or heart anywhere else right now. So I hope that you all will just love me for the woman I am, faults and all, despite my crazy affection for all things furry.
If I had a better dating life and could meet some men worth mentioning I would probably be able to write about something else, but….alas…not yet. So for now you are stuck listening to what my life is really about. My animals. My one true love. So love me or hate me…or anything in between…I am who I am and I love being me.